I stared at the sparkling water. The sun reflected on the surface like diamonds. I was alone but I didn’t need anyone else to be there. Then I started trying to capture the scene with the perfect picture, to share with people. I wondered if knowing I would share later impacted this feeling of ease in aloneness. There was a group of young people playing and taking pictures as I walked out. I didn’t say hello, smile at them, or really even acknowledge that they were there as I left. I started stomping up the hill barefoot and this thought entered my head like: “WHO AM I?” I started to cry and then more and now I am making what is surely a disgusting crying face. I pass two people sitting and eating and I play it cool. Not crying. Again I think, “WHO AM I?” Who am I when no one is watching. And who am I when they are? How often are they the same, how often are they different? Over the course of the next 2 hours of hiking, running, jumping, standing, breathing, touching, marveling, crying, yelling, stomping, stopping, huffing, puffing, being...I cycled through a multitude of thoughts and no thoughts. But I arrived here: who I have been, who I think I will be, these personalities are all just limitations. Limiting and what I cling to most: who am I. Life appears complete when I meet my expectations I have of my self in this world. Life appears challenging when I do not. But neither are real. Who I have been exists only in the past. Who I will be exists only in the present. And they cause resistance to what is possible NOW. This thought feels a bit lofty but it basically boils down to this: if I let go of who I think I was, and who I think I want to be, I’m left with the magical possibility of loving whoever shows up in response to my present moment. When I trust in and love all of humanity, I can offer the same to the continuously evolving and beautifully surprising expression of life that is me.
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