I thought I was finally getting better yesterday. I felt fit and ready to ride. But after a few minutes in the saddle I was exhausted and I thought that was it. I just wasn’t over the flu yet. But by the time I got home it was clear I was having a full blown paralysing panic attack. I haven’t had one like this before. My heart wouldn’t slow down no matter what I did. I ended up collapsed on the bed, lips and nails turning blue and acute pain in my head and arms. A combination of Rescue Remedy, deep breathing and my brother holding my hand and eventually my heart regained a normal rhythm.
It was seemingly out of the blue. But looking now, I see these are old wounds I am opening and prying into as I take inventory for Step 4. My body’s natural reactions are being overwhelmed by long forgotten pains. I am glad of it though, I embrace it, it will be the last time my body grieves over these old hurts. This is the poison being drawn out. I just got over confident and forgot to be extra gentle, extra loving and extra caring with myself. This journey of self discovery is by far my most interesting one.
#panicattack #panic #justbreathe #rescueremedy @rescueremedyuk #recovery #twelvesteprecovery #12stepstorecovery #step4 #stepfour #selfdiscovery #selfie #selfdiscoveryselfie
Goodbye 2018 🥂
It’s still a few hours until midnight and I’ve spent most of the day being reflective on what this year has meant for me.
The New Year brought with it a spiritual awakening for me.
I bought crystals, I did rituals, I prayed, I visualised, I set intentions, I gave thanks but I was still miserable.
For a over a year my boyfriend has suggested that I went to an OA meeting to help recover from my bulimia, “it’s only when I’m stressed” “it’s only when I eat an entire Camembert” “it’s only when I’m sad"...I fought him and myself for months until I completely relapsed and realised that he was right and there was no other way.
I dabbled for a while until something began guiding me forward, showing me that there was a better way.
I spent the first 10 months of the year trying to find my spirituality but still lost in a disease that has had hold of me for 15 years.
I am now 2 months in recovery from that monster. Christmas has been really hard this year, my son was with his Dad so it was rather muted and I wasn’t allowed to speak to him until late in the day. My Dad was on holiday in the Carribean and chose to ignore my calls but still post photos on Social Media - this bought up years of resentment I have held towards him on a day when I should have been celebrating with family. I had my mum over which is always hard as we have a difficult relationship. And there was FOOD! Mountains of the stuff, it was like Willy Wonka’s house in here.
But this year I overcame my disease and I didn’t binge, I allowed myself treats and didn’t hold on to the guilt when the food wasn’t as healthy as I’d like. I realised that it was ok to allow myself to eat chocolate and cake as long as it was in moderation. I gave myself over to my Higher Power and could tell when I was genuinely full and didn’t just binge until I couldn’t breath.
This year has been an epic journey, I’ve taken good with the bad and I’m excited to see what 2019 has in store for me 🎉
#goodbye2018 #happynewyear #newyear #nye #journey #spirituality #spiritualawakening #edrecovery #edwarrior #bulimiarecovery #bulimia #recovery #twelvesteprecovery #mentalhealthawareness #eatingdisorderrecovery #strength
Where did you find God today?
I think that today, he’s reminding me of His presence in the upside-down heart-shaped branch. I’m learning that He is usually in the out-of-the-ordinary places in my life... .
What does the Universe have in store for me today?
This is the aftermath of a mass milk explosion while I was waiting on a coffee this morning. I was the only victim. The culprit? A stray 4 pint of full fat that fell off the back of a trolley, exploded, covering me, my boots, my legs, my bag and my coat in at least a pint of creamy goodness. Winning.
My first reaction was a mixture of anger and resentment towards the man pushing said trolley - how dare he accidentally knock the milk off and shower me with it in the process...not to mention the fact I would now proceed to spend the day in the office smelling like out of date Gorgonzola that’s been forgotten in the fridge over Christmas.
My usual reaction would have been to berate him and tell him that it was unacceptable for me to be covered head to toe in milk. Stating the obvious as no one really wants to spend the day covered in dried milk I don’t think. Something clicked in this time and that anger fizzled, replaced by cheery banter with the poor man now furiously trying to wipe milk off my boots. “Honestly it’s fine” I laughed as he apologised profusely on his hands and knees handing me rolls of blue paper to clean myself up with.
And I think that’s what the lesson from the Universe was for me today, I can spend a lot of my time holding onto anger and pain - to the point it can manifest itself as a physical symptom, like a stomach ulcer for example. Or I eat my way through the hurt. Today I didn’t hold on, I released, gave thanks to my Higher Power that it wasn’t something more potent than milk (like gin or cider), I laughed and I’m still smiling. “Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die” - Buddha. Life is too short to at least not try and be happy with the now, not holding on to the past and what might happen in your future 🙏🏽 #recovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #overeatersanonymous #twelvesteprecovery #buddha #release #strength #hope #bulimiarecovery #edwarrior #edrecovery #positivethinking #positivequotes
“Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it” - Confucius
This was definitely me not so long ago, I couldn’t see anything apart from darkness. On holiday, when you should be stress-free, drama and stress would follow me round like a bad smell, something always went wrong. I couldn’t have a glass of wine with dinner because my anxiety was so high that I’d have heart palpitations throughout the night after just one drink and trying to go to sleep was a nightmare because my heart would race so much that I honestly thought I would die there and then.
I couldn’t see the beauty in anything, in people, in places, especially not in myself. When I looked in the mirror on most days my body dysmorphia would present back a fat girl with a big nose, bad skin and googly eyes. I had so much hatred for other people, God and the universe that it was eating me up inside and in turn I would eat through this pain and gorge myself on cakes and chocolate.
I was in Dubai this weekend as a surprise for my boyfriend’s birthday. It was magical. For a place that was born out of a desert that has made way for man-made skyscrapers and cranes building more structures for as far as the eye can see - this place has unimaginable beauty.
I ate intuitively and I didn’t allow myself to be consumed by the couple of body issues I’m still holding on to. A couple of things went awry when we were there - I have a massive issue being late for anything, we had dinner booked and my boyfriend was faffing about getting ready and I got stressed and we ended up in an argument. Normally this would trigger my eating behaviours and I would binge. In the taxi, running massively late, I surrendered to my Higher Power and gave thanks to what had been up until that point a wonderful holiday. We were still late but no one died and we still got to eat wonderful food and enjoy the view of the Mall Fountains.
There is beauty in everything, we just have to open our eyes to see it 🙏🏽 #eatingdisorderawareness #eatingdisorderrecovery #bulimia #edwarrior #positivethinking #higherpower #twelvesteprecovery #bulimiarecovery #bulimiafighter #overeatersanonymous #surrender #strength #love #positivequotes
An afternoon shot in my gallery. Acrylic painting on canvas available.
‘Stoned Hippy’ 135x90cm Acrylic Painting on canvas. The painting I’ve wanted to paint for years is now complete and available @bluethumbart
or follow the link on my bio or https://bluethumb.com.au/george-hall/Artwork/stoned-hippy-acrylic-paint-on-canvas
An oldie from the naughties 65cm sq 💃🕺🏽👨🏻🎨🙏
‘Dancers of the Cross’ a tribute to Kings Cross Sydney in the mid to late 20th century, when the place was alive with progressive/liberated people. Limited edition archival print on canvas, still available @bluethumbart
link in my bio or https://bluethumb.com.au/george-hall/Artwork/dancers-of-the-cross-archival-solvent-canvas-print
Flashback Friday ‘Janice Tree’ 2015
So I’m doing the painting I’ve needed to do for a while. That painting that people are going to say ‘my 4 year old could paint better than that’, can’t wait 😊👨🏻🎨🤪
Yours Truly standing in front of ‘Splash History’ Limited Edition framed series. Still available on @bluethumbart
‘Cross Pollen Nation ‘ ‘ 152cm square available @bluethumbart
“This too shall pass”
I think I’m past the OA honeymoon, the fights have started and the bad behaviours are looming.
Today, I have struggled. I spoke to a “divorce coach” today about learning to communicate more effectively with my ex so that I can stop allowing his behaviours to affect me. I think talking about the past, the abuse and being told that actually I’m doing a great job with something so stressful has done the exact opposite of promoting my own self belief. I have a headache, I feel deflated and I just want to head off to the shops and buy the tub of Ben & Jerry’s that seems to call me everytime I walk past the freezer.
I want to but I’m not. I’ve surrendered myself over to my Higher Power and I’m reminding myself that this too shall pass. I’m going to leave that Ben & Jerry’s for a normal person who doesn’t need to inhale the entire tub whilst also shovelling in handfuls of chocolates and toffee popcorn that they popped in the basket on the way to the checkout. In between making myself slice after slice of toast and butter. (Woohoo. Eating disorder madness.) Instead - I’ve made myself a tea, I’m going to give myself some reiki and meditate before I have a bath.
Whatever is happening today will not be with me tomorrow, I can learn to move on - I can learn to heal.
#healing #overeatersanonymous #eatingdisorderawareness #eatingdissorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #recovery #heal #bingeeatingrecovery #bulimiarecovery #bulimia #strength #love #meditation #twelvesteps #twelvesteprecovery #edwarrior #bulimiawarrior #meditation #reikienergy #reiki #reikihealing
is so poignant for me. After years of not going away on holiday aside for a couple of days, I finally took off on my own... and now I can’t imagine my life without the idea of going out and seeing new places, breathing in new air and above all meeting new people, which is the most surprising thing.
I never used to ask for help, with anything. Wouldn’t talk to a stranger, never ask the price of an unmarked item in a shop, or ask for directions if I was lost, and above all I NEVER asked for help when I needed it most, in mental hell.
But now, travelling to the few places I’ve been to this year, I have more than once had to rely on the absolute and unfailing kindness of strangers. The genuine beauty of someone willingly helping me out for no return of the favour gave me courage when I came home to reach out to people when I have been struggling. My connections to my friends and family has become so much stronger and I feel like I’m part of the human race again as a result.
The day I got lost in Malta was the day my heart cracked open, letting other people in, and letting myself out.
#recovery #twelvesteprecovery #12steprecovery #twelvestepprogramme #12stepprogramme #dailymeditation #connection #travel #travelalone #solotraveller #askforhelp #thekindnessofstrangers #bekind
I’m a little behind on the #Bookwiferyvisibilitychallenge
But, the message is important so I’m going to continue on, albeit a little late.
Who is my message for?
It is for all of the Catholic moms and dads. It’s for brothers and sisters. Any family or friend who wants to stop contributing to the disease of addiction.
It’s for those of you who want to learn about the tools available through the Church to help us deal with this epidemic problem.
It’s for those who are isolated or suffering in silence. It’s for you, if you’re afraid to speak about your family’s problems.
I’ve been all of those people. But, there is help and hope. You are not alone anymore.
It’s been a while since I felt off course. Which is simultaneously good and inevitable that a blow was coming. The last few of months have been an inward spiritual journey for me and during this time Ganesh has kept coming to my mind, and in Bali he is everywhere. I keep finding myself silently repeating what he stands for, the Destroyer of Obstacles. It almost became a reactive mantra every time I thought of him, a faith that he would destroy any obstacles that are in my path of recovery. But I did not heed the nature of that phrase. Destruction is violent. Ganesh bulldozes through with his magnificent tusks and strong elephant head. Destruction is painful. Especially when it is the destruction of things and people you love, and even of habits that are so ingrained in yourself that you unknowingly have become your own obstacle. All of that destruction, it hurts, even if it is to make way for something better.
So today I sit quietly and nurture myself as Ganesh destroys everything that hinders me. I pray for the strength to be gentle with myself as I grieve the losses without shame. #recovery #twelvesteprecovery #12steprecovery #twelvestepprogramme #12stepprogramme #ganesh #ganesha #ganapati #elephantgod #destroyerofobstacles #hindu #hinduism #hindusymbolism #selfcare #bekind #selflove #bekindtoyourself #grief #loss #love
I am going through a really hard time with all three of these things right now. Things are happening that I don’t want to happen, I am learning things about my life choices that I’d rather not know and I feel like I am losing a person in my life who I don’t want to let go of. The pain of these changes is excruciating. They are not unique to me. We all face these same life events. But that does not make the pain any less great or insignificant. #pain #recovery #twelvesteprecovery #twelvestepprogramme #lifechanges @buddhist_poetry
It’s not always Maltese poolside and English garden working. Sometimes it just has to be done from bed on the days I have crumbled. Recovery isn’t linear. The lessons smack you right in the gut sometimes and over the last week I have been learning the hard way about what my core values in life are. The lessons have brought great pain as with all change but I am trying to have faith that I won’t need to be taught this one again. In the meantime, I am resting, abstaining from things that encourage my weaknesses (like Facebook), meditating and working on projects I LOVE in the freedom of my bed whilst watching someone who has been inspiring me lately, the great @tonyrobbins
and his documentary #iamnotyourguru
on @netflixuk #findingmyvalues #truth #trueself #recovery #twelvesteprecovery #twelvestepprogramme #12stepprogramme #findyourtrueself #selfcare
to when I arrived on Ramla Bay in Gozo a few weeks ago and inhaled a big fat breath of that fresh, pure, salty sea air. Meditating has become a solid part of my daily life now. Sitting in that red sand with the rhythm of the waves guiding my breath centred me so well. What I didn’t know then was that I was on the next leg of my journey. The tools I am honing every day during my #miraclemornings
are starting to show their usefulness. In mental struggles and anxieties I am getting quicker at making better, more loving and compassionate choices for myself. Today I have felt overwhelmed and exhausted so I have meditated a total of 120 minutes. Just sitting whenever I felt I was feeling the negativity creeping in, the compulsion to obsess, the knot in my chest, I’ll break away from whatever I’m doing and sit in a guided meditation using the @insighttimer
app. Take 5 to breathe and you will get back double the amount of time in your life. #breathe #justbreathe #meditation #malta #meditate #recovery #twelvesteprecovery #twelvestepprogramme #12stepprogramme
Brook Recovery Centers was proud to be among the many sponsor’s of DMMF’s 3rd Annual Comedy Show. If you don’t know about the amazing work that the Dennis Messing Memorial Foundation is doing in our communities be sure to visit their page and learn more!
#dmmf #boston #twelvesteprecovery