Look, I know that impulsive decisions are generally frowned upon, and certainly not celebrated, but every year I like to take a moment to remember this day. Seven years ago, I made an impulsive decision that saved my life.
The summer of 2011 was my lowest point. I had just dropped out of college. I was living in a rural and conservative part of New York, with very few opportunities for artists, and a culture that I certainly would never belong in. I was on year 5 of a relationship with a man that I adored, who had fallen in love with someone else. I was basically homeless, most nights I slept on the couch of a dear and patient friend, and all day, everyday I was sipping on a personal bottle of Hennessy that I carried in my purse. It probably looked like I didn’t have a plan for my life, but I did. That plan was to end it. I’ll spare you the details, but the point is, there were details.
I couldn’t tell you what changed my mind, because I honestly don’t remember, but by some miracle, I suddenly decided to try one last thing. I bought a plane ticket for 2 weeks from that day, sold my car, and boxed up all my belongings. On September 20th, Tokey and I boarded a plane bound for Seattle.
Of course, that was only the beginning. I’m the last person to pretend that life has been a bowl of peaches since then. I’ve hit a few “rock bottoms,” finished college, made some terrible choices, decided to pursue my passion, struggled to leave abusive relationships, found the man I’m going to marry, gotten treatment for anxiety and depression, and done a ton of work on myself. It’s still a long road ahead, but on this road at least there’s hope.
Now, some may tell you not to run away from your problems. But if suicide feels like the the only other option, and if the darkness clears for just an instant, and you feel the impulse to run, fucking run. As fast as you can. You deserve a second chance. #youarenotalone #suicidepreventionmonth