⚠️ WARNING ⚠️ This is NOT a pretty post.
This is a PAIN-FUL, a real post. No glitz, no makeup, no filters. Ok that’s a lie, there is a slight filter for color.
How do you love a body that is failing you?
This is the face of #SAPHO
syndrome, a rare disorder that has no known cause and treatment only focuses on managing symptoms. This is the second flare I have had in five years- the first was of my clavicle bone which is now perhaps permanently deformed. I say perhaps because I still believe in the body’s intelligence to heal itself.
Now it’s progressed to my jaw bone. The bone itself is inflamed and the muscles and tissues around the bone are, well, to use my doctor’s precise medical terminology “a mess.” I’ve hesitated posting generally because of shame and embarrassment for how I look, because of feelings of not being good enough, or not being “sick” enough since my disease is not life threatening (Instead the prognosis is a life full of #chronicpain
, and physical deformity if not managed with medications indefinitely.) I also hesitate to post because I don’t want to be a #victim
to my pain. I don’t want to attach myself to the disease.
I make this post because at the core of my work and the intention with In Pursuit of Self is #selflove
As you see from the picture- it’s painful to even look at myself!!! It’s not a person I recognize, it’s not what I want people to see of me. How do I tell myself “Allison I love you unconditionally. You are perfect exactly as you are.” ??? How does the woman who just had a double mastectomy look herself in the mirror and say “I still love you” without feeling grief and pain? Or the woman with an amputated limb look to her leg and say “I still love you even tho part of you is missing” without anger and resentment?
This is the work, and this is the first step to true #healing
You feel the #pain
and you own it, but you say it anyway. You look yourself in the eye, and you say “I LOVE YOU ANYWAY- in spite of all this. YOU LOVE THE BODY THAT IS FAILING YOU. Even if you have to fake it at first.
Everyday. In front of the mirror. “I love you exactly as you are” to yourself. Who’s with me??? #selflovechallenge