It’s past 3 AM and I’m so wide awake, there’s not even hope of sleep on the horizon. Thoughts are running rampant.
I just got out of the hospital from a few days long stay, due to what was ‘a suspected kidney infection’. It’s been a roller coaster, let’s be clear. So many tests. With no clear results. And more tests with no clear results.
Most of it spent in a drugged up fog of pain and uncertainty. One part stands out pretty darn clear though.
I’d been there for about 24 hours when a doctor came to explain that more tests hadn’t shown much, and my symptoms weren’t lining up with expectations. “We’re worried about an ectopic pregnancy”, he said, casually. “Is there a chance you could be pregnant?”
I think the silence that followed probably felt longer to me and my husband than it actually was. But I think I eventually managed to respond with “Anything’s possible.” .
I’ll say this now, we’re not trying to get pregnant. I’m not sure if that moment will ever come for us. Pregnancy after loss is a minefield.
Still, for some reason, the thought “I almost lost another baby” keeps going over and over in my head. It’s torture. Which is insane, I know. But unshakeable.
Maybe it was just knowing they were testing for that reason and being scared of what they might find. Maybe it was because hospitals are the most terrifying place in the world for me. Maybe it was because all this happened in the same hospital where I had already lost my three babies. Maybe all of the above.
Nevertheless, the tests came back negative for an ectopic pregnancy.
But I still can’t shake it. .
#pregnancyafterloss #honestytime #ectopicpregnancy #thisisgrief #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #reilly #skye #emery #rpl #recurrentpregnancyloss #pal #pregnancyafterloss #pregnancyafterrpl #miscarriage #ttc #miscarriagemomma #miscarriageawareness #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagesurvivor #1in4 #1in100 #ihadamiscarriage #rainbow #rainbowbaby #honestgrief #griefsupport #sorrow #joy #familyofsix #mamatofour
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take, my sunshine away. ☀️ #5thbirthday #Reilly
Morning. Time for coffee.
Got soaked riding from town to Corbridge. Fish and chips and beer made it all better.
All settled in our hotel and the ponies in their equine accomodation, a wee night away for the Pony Club Dengie showjumping finals tomorrow at Eglinton. 😍
#roadtripwithponies #reilly #flynn
Loaded up for a night out after work.
Como assim meu neném já tem 3 anos???
Neném não, pq segundo ela, agora ela é uma menina grande 😍
Não tenho mais nenhum neném 😭
Como é bom te ver crescer todos os dias, minha menina. Mas por favor, não cresça tão rápido.
Feliz aniversário, meu amorzinho 😘❤😍🎉🎂
#HappyBirthday #BigGirl #Reilly #BabyReilly #BabyGirl #BirthdayGirl
Supring Equinox ! Time to bust out some new threads 💥💀❤️