I danced with my crush at prom and I thought all was swell but then afterwards I thought she was avoiding me, but then we chatted for a bit the other day and she waved goodbye with a genuine smile...then the next day we walked past each other without saying anything...who knew liking girls would be this complicated???
A little throwback Thursday , courtesy of old photo from @kellen_90
❤️😌 one of my oldest friends.
Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.
I (to be honest) have felt pretty ashamed of the fact that I feel like I don’t create or contribute anything original to the world, anymore. I realized I’ve funneled all my ‘creative’ energy the last few years into, 1. Survival, and 2. my body. Not the most productive pursuit I’ve worked towards, but I’ve still managed to alter myself in visible ways. #bodybuilding
I also recognize that survival can take a lot of energy and life out of you.
Just...thinking and hoping it gets better. #ptsd #tbt #ftm #transgender #transman #queer #qtpoc #tpoc #postop #phalloplasty #keyhole
I think a lot of trans people struggle with feeling attractive. For me, this insecurity has little to do with my body, and everything to do with how people treat me. It's hard not to internalize the horrible depictions of trans women that were the norm in pop culture. It's hard not to internalize the political arguments about bathrooms that say trans women are inherently predatory. And then there's the fact that so many people fetishize us instead of treating us like people, and that's really gross.
I'm not sure when I'll feel better about this, but for now surrounding myself with women and queer people has helped remind me I'm not alone in this feeling. I recently read a zine all about wanting to feel desirable as a trans person: T&A by @kaylarosenzines
. Their story about medical transition and attractiveness and self-worth is really resonating with me rn. Queer friends I'd definitely recommend reading it!
So here I am. 2.5 months of gym. I never thought I would feel happy with my body but here I am, both happy and so unbelievably proud of what I am accomplishing.
However, I look back to how I use to look before travelling and I remember a lovely time in my life, I loved my life, I loved my food and I was healthy and that was wonderful.
The way I looked changed and that was okay, but then I became sick. I wasn’t just underweight I was suffering a lot of pain and eating became one of the hardest challenges.
Losing weight can be extremely dangerous if it becomes an addiction. Sadly, I wasn’t really eating, I then I started to faint and at the lowest part of this illness I wasn’t even holding my food down. People all around me told me I was ‘too skinny’, and then they would say “Brad you look unhealthy”, but I was living in my own obsessive delusion.
That word, ‘skinny’, something I dreamed of my whole life became an addiction. My obsession for this word controlled my life and for the first time in my life I became private about something, not the open and honest book I had always been. This was a side of me I didn’t recognise and it was absolutely terrifying.
So, 2 years ago I was a happy, curvaceous, healthy boy. Then, I became skinny and then it took over and I became a very sick young man.
But I’m using this post to celebrate my body in every stage that I was healthy not just now. Currently my body is just reflecting what I have overcome.
We need to celebrate ourselves our bodies they are literally the homes for our individual and unique spirit/soul/being (whatever word you want) so we should love them, embrace them and look after them in all their individuality and beauty.
Be beautifully fat, beautifully skinny, beautifully thin, beautifully muscly but just be beautifully & healthily you, that’s what matters.
You have no idea how good it feels to write these words and believe them.
Love & Equality to all ✌🏼💖