Time for another dose of honesty within my anxiety. Maybe you’ve noticed, maybe you haven’t, but I’ve become pretty much a recluse in the last week and a half. I’ve been sick, and riddled with anxiety within the being sick. I contracted hand foot and mouth disease and let me just say this is the most pain I have ever been in. My entire body literally felt like it was on fire because I was covered in tiny blisters. My hands were the worst. When the blisters heal, the dry, dead skin starts to peel away. A normal person would just lather on the lotion and be well on their way to healed by now. But part of my OCD is a thing called dermatillomania, which is just a long fancy word for having a compulsion to pick at your skin. So this is what my hands look like right now. The new skin is red and raw, and I’m in a lot of pain and very self conscious. I’ve been back at work for a few days after having to take almost a week off, but my OCD and anxiety has been working overtime with fears and obsessions that people are judging me or they think I’m gross or that I’m going to infect someone else (I won’t, I’m not contagious anymore.) So I’ve been laying low and avoiding being out in public as much as I can. And I don’t say any of this as a little plea for anyone to tell me I’m still beautiful and that no one’s judging me and you still love me. I don’t need or want that. I just want people to see what mental illness is really like in the darkest moments, so that the next time society and the media try to tell you that OCD is just about being particular about things being neat and clean, you’ll know that it’s so much more than that and maybe be motivated to learn a bit more and even educate others. Truth and understanding, even when it hurts or is embarrassing. 💜💜💜 #mentalhealth #mentalillness #ocd #anxiety #obsessivecompulsivedisorder #mentalhealthawareness #dermatillomania
Am i the only one that experiences this?
yall are some fuckin sunshines
Reflecting back, over the time since this little cutie was born. It wasn’t what I thought would be one of the best moments of my life. My anxiety was screaming at me and my obsessive and intrusive thoughts were flooding my brain. I felt completely lost. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I sunk into depression.
But I didn’t chose to feel this way, it chose me. Postnatal depression effects more than 1 in 10 women. So, If someone you know is suffering, please be there, be kind, be patient and please be a positive voice for them ❤️❤️❤️
You know whats funnier then 24?
💫GIVEAWAY💫 Rose Gold. Handcrafted with love. A mission to be a catalyst for meaningful conversations & a positive action. A personalized jewelry company that tailors to YOU and YOUR story. This @myintent
necklace and bracelet were crafted on the spot at the @showupseries
event in LA, and they hold special meaning. These words are to remind you to always SHOW UP just as you are, to SHOW UP FOR YOURSELF. Because that’s not selfish. That’s self care. ⠀⠀
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s w i p e > >
This is a piece I shared a while back on the blog but never posted it on here; a poem I wrote about my OCD & what it’s like to give into compulsions even when you know it’s bad for you.
Living with OCD sometimes can make feel like you’re trapped. This poem explores that feeling.
I know this piece is a little dark, but so is mental illness at times. Writing this helped me to process a lot of my grief, so I hope that reading it could be helpful for some of y’all to do the same.
Don't get so caught up in staying positive and trying to get better that you don't allow yourself to acknowledge the pain and loss you have experienced. It is okay to say that you have been hurt, that you are still hurting. It's okay to be upset and angry that you have OCD. Your pain is valid.
I see you, friend. You’re not alone in this.
And I do wanna offer a disclaimer amongst all of this dark imagery — recovery IS possible y’all. It’s painful to overcome your illness, but you don’t have to be stuck. This poem is only a moment in my journey, just the beginning. Recovery from OCD is far more beautiful, far more overwhelming, far more blessed than anything I could put into words.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope this piece moved you in some way.
a week in the life part one is up on my channel now and linked in bio. 💞
The Worry Trigger Of A “What If Moment...???!!!”. Our brains are designed to always be seeking out the danger or risk in any situation, or to be skeptical. Often our brain will be scanning ahead for things that could go wrong that never actually do. Your brain is saying: “what if....???!!! and before you know it you have worked yourself up in to a state or mis-read a situation. Be present to the fact that in that moment YOU are the problem, but also the SOLUTION- you can choose not to let your brain wander to the negative, by being aware that THIS is what is happening. You have to catch yourself. Questions like: “did I leave the oven on?” 99% of the time you go back and check, you have turned it off. Trust you did it at the time and believe that your brain is just going “what if...???!!!” and label it as “A What If Moment”. Acknowledge that this is happening and have the courage to move through it. #havethecourage #whatif #ocd #worrying #bemindful #staypositive #practicegratitude #seethebestinpeople #choosecertainty #selfdoubt #takeaction #obsessivecompulsivedisorder #motivationalquotes #mindset #trustyourself #presence #selfawareness
the bruises your lovely mouth left on me
were beautiful and sexy at the time
the inner of the thighs
but now the bruises you left on my heart
are absolutely disgusting
Alive Release Countdown
☑️ Table decorations
☑️ Insurance revisions
☑️ Health department call
☑️ Event itinerary
"Kyle’s springing all over the place, barking as he watches me pull on my hiking boots. It can only mean one thing. His favorite thing. I grin, holding out his leash. He leaps from the couch to my chest, then continues to walk, like a video game character against a wall. Idiot. I push him back, just enough to clip the leash on, and we’re off." —Oliver, Chapter 7.
Chapter seven, though. Writing it was so wonderful. It felt like magic. Like taking a deep breath of fresh mountain air. All the best parts of nature that just make your heart overwhelmed in beauty. It was a rare thing, because I think overall it's much easier to verbalize negativity than positivity. Writing something dark and depressing comes more naturally, to me at least. So getting this feeling out and doing it WELL was a truly unique experience. I think it was the moment I realized every situation and feeling has a captivating way to be described.
ONE WEEK LEFT!!! Today was...good! A lot of planning and shopping. Overall productive. I showed my proof to the amazing staff at #gravitycoffee
and it was beautiful because they've been tracking my progress for months and have seen probably my worst days. @miiaabaker
basically screamed when I pulled it out and it made my entire life. 😍
📷 not mine
#alive #alivecountdown #countdown #bookstagram #booktube #bookrelease #booklaunch #book #romance #drama #fiction #mentalillnessliterature #mentalhealth #psychological #bipolardisorderawareness #bipolarstrong #bipolarbears #ocd #obsessivecompulsivedisorder #anxiety #hiking #boots #dog #werewolf #readersofinstagram #authorsofinstagram
If theres no tag its either an oc or credit is in the picture
Important advice for anyone whos been feeling down. (Btw you are appreciated)
Thank you, Jesus, thank YOU. #Repost @theobsessiveoutsiders
Very special blog post & newsletter went out today - my full recap on a day that truly rocked my world. Link to full article is in bio. @showupseries
- thank you so much for the opportunity to represent mental health and OCD to so many notable people in the entertainment industry. Every day I work hard to shatter stigmas, and opportunities like this make the long hours worth it. Thank you. 😌
There is so much about my life that I never thought I’d experience. For a long time, I thought my mental health would always be the barrier standing between me and the life I wanted. I never thought that I’d be “well enough” to do anything. I was housebound for a year straight and I couldn’t even get near my front door for most of that time...and now I’m barely home. I hate paying rent because I feel like it’s just a cute storage unit. I spend a significant amount of my time searching for flights or mapping out the next road trip in my head. The girl who couldn’t go near her front door. When I pause to reflect on the actual miracle my recovery is, I cry. Every single time. Owning my own business? Never ever thought it would happen. Traveling? On a plane? Heck no. Being around crowds? LOL sure. Going grocery shopping? Not a chance. Driving alone? Nope. I mean, everything was a trigger. Everything was a “no” or a “there’s no point in even trying.” I remember praying when I was 19 one night during the worst of it and I said “ I would rather live a bad life than this. I’m not even living at all.”
Well, I don’t live by those beliefs anymore. Im not triggered by any of same things anymore. My “tens” are now my norms. I believe that all my experiences are gifts. Yes, even the heart-wrenching ones. My greatest gift has been learning to fight for myself and using that fire inside me to fight for others. Coaching. Advocating. Speaking. Sharing my story. Creating programs. Building and deepening meaningful relationships. Strengthening community. Being a friend, daughter, girlfriend, some newbie version of a step-mom. All of this makes the rich soil that my life thrives from today. Every experience. Every trigger. Every relapse. ALL of it. Every year has gotten better and lighter. Every year has provided me an opportunity to lean in deeper to my life and into my healing process.
This is more of a rant than a share, but I hope it shifts something for you.
What I’m really trying to say is that your experiences don’t have to define you. Your experiences can either take your power or they can be your power. You decide.
Well, this program is crap. So I’m going to sign myself out of it and just go the normal therapy route.
I feel like a quitter but I don’t care. It’s not for me.
an unhappy child with her starbucks
4:40pm. i’m sitting in starbucks. and i was thinking of how i’ve been posting poetry posts and youtube videos everyday. putting on a happy face for someone else’s entertainment and expressing my pain through poetry. tearing myself apart and sacrificing for the sake of other people. i go through phases where instagram becomes a place that no longer inspires me or makes me happy. i used to write so much that i would have to cut back the length for an instagram caption or put the second half in the comments hoping people would read what i had to say. and to be perfectly honest with you, behind all the youtube videos and poetry posts isn’t a happy person. i’m slipping back into my anorexia. starvation has become familiar again. i have made a routine on what i need to do everyday and if i stray from it at all a panic fills me that makes me sick. i can’t even stand being in my own house. which is why starbucks employees now know me by name. i can’t stand noise but yet i find myself in busy stores. yeah i know, even i don’t understand. i’m terrified of myself. i feel stuck. i feel lost within trying to find a home. just wanted to put out there that behind social media isn’t always a happy face.
recently i have been asked what recovery means to me. and so many people over gerneralize the idea that recovery is being back to a normal healthy weight and maintaining there. but there are so many different aspects to recovery. what kind of freedom do you want to have. what kind of relationships do you want to have. what do you want to succeed at. where is it you want to be. what do you want to create. what do you want to love again. i’ve personally been manifesting a lot on the ideas that i have in mind for my future. i’m starting to believe in myself again and all the things i want to do. i’ve been setting intentions and working hard every single day. but if i’m being honest i am slipping back into my anorexia. starvation has become familiar again. and i can tell myself a million times over that i don’t want to go down that road and if i do it won’t end in any place good. but that doesn’t change. one of my favourite questions/quotes is that if you can answer yes to a decision that is leading you where you want to go, then you are on the right track. and if the answer is no then that is a time to reconsider, recentre yourself, and think about what it really is that you want to do next. recovery is a thousand times more than being at a healthy weight and maintaining there once you get there. and it’s not that simple. healing is not linear. recovery is not linear. life throws everything possible at you. and you take it head on.
The most relatable of ocdisms
Our intrusive thoughts are a lot like spam mail- as in they're annoying,sometimes we get way too many in a day,a lot of times false advertisement,you want to buy into it,but you're like nope then you hit the trash button and move on with more important mail!Our intrusive thoughts are nothing more than spam mail!False messages sent to us by the brain that try to get us to buy into their content!Next time you have an intrusive thought treat it as spam,mark as unimportant,and throw it in the trash! Maybe thank your brain for sharing that unimportant message with you, but you have more important lifey things to attend to!