Do you ever feel like you’re fading? Some days, I do. As if all the effort I’ve put in to regaining my strength and healing my brokenness was utterly unproductive.
I’ve had to try to find myself all over again, and each time it seems as though I’m close, I face a setback. It isn’t always exterior; it’s often just my own mind. You see, it wasn’t thinking for itself for quite some time; it must relearn how to do so— to regain autonomy.
Some days, I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person looking back at me. The round face, thick hair, big nose, dorky dimples, and dopey chin— yes, I know them all too well. But rather, I used to see right through those piercing, green eyes— right into the depths of my beautiful soul.
My vision is blurred now. I was forced to let go of the person I was and to become merely an idea— someone else’s [unrealistic] ideal.
I loved the woman I was. It took me all of my life to learn to love her, and then I lost some pieces of her. I still love her… when I can see her. Some days, I see her clearly, and she is strong, brave, and unafraid. Other days, like today… I barely catch a glimpse of her as she is all but fading away from my line of sight altogether.
I worry that this process is a burden I may inadvertently unload upon those still in my life— that my [albeit occasional] pain will be displaced unto them. I hope that they are patient and gentle with me (even when I am not with them or with myself) until I can become whole once more.
Thank you to Jill @tiny_kingdom
for your post tonight, which inspired and reassured me. 🌹♥️ And to Danielle @_daniellelynn423
for keeping me going. 🌸💕
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