Hi, this was me, windswept and amused by something (possibly my own face) a few days ago. I’m not really sure why I’m posting it. I think it’s because I shy away from selfies. I haven’t done anything to this. But I can see my face is lop-sided and I know that both recently, and longer ago than recently, I have annoyed and even hurt people in different ways. Most unintentionally, but that doesn’t make it better. However, I’m trying really hard to do what I want without worrying about how much it may annoy someone/anyone. And after all this is my page. So here is a picture of me.
My face is not symmetrical, I’ve put on weight, I often get spots despite being 40, (when I was 14 my mum told me that would stop at 21). I have more and more grey hairs, one eye seems to always be more closed than the other, if I don’t wear mascara it looks like I don’t have any eyelashes and if I don’t wear blusher or eyeliner I look like I’m ill. I’m chubby, I have rolls of fat all around my body. I don’t have perfectly shaped legs, I am so pale I nearly blind people in the sun. I’m unfit. Some people may say I’m negative, pessimistic, that I’m too open on social media. Maybe they’re right. But I’m starting not to care. I am trying not to care. And I’m getting there.
Sometimes I let people down. I say I’ll come to something and then I don’t turn up (usually nights out or large gatherings). But I don’t plan to do that. And sometimes I’ve got dressed to go somewhere (for example a friend’s wedding), been to the hairdressers, been practically ready to leave the house and then been unable to move.
I’ve lost friends, been misunderstood, been told I’m vulnerable (and felt embarrassed by this), made silly decisions, pissed people off, made mistakes when I knew they were likely to be mistakes, given too much, not asserted (or been aware that I needed to have) boundaries. I worry too much, care too much about things that don’t matter, want to please people that don’t always deserve it, have allowed myself to be “walked over”, complained and made excuses when I should have just done something differently. But nobody is perfect and I’m quite nice really.😂 Can’t remember the point of this now
When you focus on the pain, pain is all you can feel. Yes, it hurts, sometimes it cuts like a knife that everything around you feels numb. Food tastes nothing, you give smiles just for the sake of people not to ask you why are you upset. You ignore your emotions and you just go on... tears become your best friend, you cry anywhere, EVERYwhere... you just don’t care. Your throat aches from resisting tears, your head hurts from constant pressure. You just feel like shutting down your server (I WISH), but it’s impossible. You don’t want to go home, just not to face the reality and not to sink deeper in the sand, but you go coz there are people waiting for you. You simply go on..... taking a deep breath in, closing your eyes, you feel the blood flowing in your veins, and yes it’s cold but ignore it. This is not the way out. There is more to life than this. But what?!! #justwondering #whatisthis #whatalife #meaningless #cruellife #monjournal #myday #sadday #miserable #whatasadlife #demotivational #quoted #imnotokay #thisislife #iwanttochange #trapped #sinkingdeep #havetomoveon