Smiling on the outside doesn’t mean I’m happy on the inside... It’s been 4 weeks since I did the 1000 steps. I could’ve gone last week but I got there and just couldn’t find a carpark quickly so I gave up and went home.
If I’m honest I just haven’t been in the right head space to get up there and I have been procrastinating hard. This is actually what I’m trying to raise money and awareness about and all I’ve done is hide away from what’s really going on.
I have been in a dark head space for quite awhile and I have been ignoring it. I haven’t felt like a good enough friend, sister, partner, daughter or even good enough for my own god damn weight loss journey and most recently not even feeling good enough for this world. Would it really matter if I didn’t exist?
Having these thoughts are quite fucking scary to me and honestly some of them kind of came out of nowhere and the weight on my chest has been really hard to bare. I actually want to LIVE. I know that 100% and I am trying to make small steps to try and not feel that way. And I felt like I should share how I’ve been feeling lately here because this is what this fundraiser for @beyondblueofficial
is all about. To not feel ashamed and to be able to share how you’re feeling.. even at your worst. Mental health is no joke and everyone needs to look after themselves and each other!
I’m always going to be a work in progress and it was really good to finally be ready to head back up the steps and get the training done. I did the steps with 10kgs on my ankles. It was definitely harder then having the weight on my back for sure. I ate the dirt a couple of times (lost my balance) but picked myself up and didn’t let it get to me like I normally would. Looking forward to continuing on this crazy journey that I’ve set myself on.
Thank you for reading if you made it this far! If anyone feels particularly generous today my fundraising link is in my bio and please feel free to share 💖