Before meeting the owner of @dearoseswim
: the new swimsuit brand I’m modeling for, I was nervous.
I was scared my body wouldn’t fit a mold I had imposed on myself. I was afraid that my curves would not be okay.
I even wanted to cancel our meeting at one point because I was feeling like my body wasn’t ready. I felt like I wasn’t fit & toned enough... but. Did I cancel our meeting? NO. The easy route would have been to cancel & spend the night in my room, comforting myself with food & netflix. I decided to tell myself that I am capable of hard things. This was hard for sure. I showered & I meditated and came to the realization that I am enough. I am worthy of being a model on their website. I am worthy of all the abundance I desire.
i woke up this morning and i was gonna go back to restricting to lose any of the weight i gained from minnie maud these past 6 days but it didn’t really work out. i only let myself eat a couple of strawberries for breakfast, but then i got extreme hunger that i couldn’t control and i ended up eating so much. i ended up having a breakdown but then i realized that this only happened bc i restricted instead of eating enough. an hour later my family went out to eat lunch and it was really hard bc i was afraid of people seeing me bc i feel like the weight gain is noticeable :/ but i ended up challenging myself and eating some ice cream that tasted so good :’)
fought with the voice in my head and managed to have both of my TWO pieces of toast with spread, and cup of green tea. •
hey you guys. my breakfast today was two pieces of toast and some green tea. it’s on my meal plan, and i’m so proud of fighting through this because yesterday i could only manage one! dinner post coming later Xx
today i went shopping with one of my best friends who i havent seen since leaving school. it was so lovely!! of course i got incredibly tired but i pushed through the day and bought some really lovely bits. i got some clothes from primark as well as the @maccosmeticsuk
velvet teddy lipstick AND i got fix plus, both of which i’ve wanted for soooo many years, and i finally gave in cause i had the money haha!! overall a lovely day. i have dinner in a little bit (once my mum cooks it) and i’m nervous cause idk what it’ll be, but i have the strength to go through with it regardless. i will get better. and i can do this!! love you all, thanks for all your support💖
toast is starting to get reaaally boring as i’ve been eating it everyday since october... any breakfast recommendations that are about the same on macros? 💖💖
#fuckana #anorexiarecovery #kickanasbutt #fuckanorexia #anorexiarecovering #anorexiarecoverymeal #didit #ididthat #healthyfood #whatieatinaday #anorexia #recovery #beatingana #fightingana #ed #edrecovery #fdoe #eatittobeatit #ana
Hallo ihr lieben,
& me) posten unser Wochenende zusammen. Auf den Bildern seht ihr unsere Essens Highlights.😊 Das Wochenende läuft super und wir kämpfen zusammen gegen Ana an. Heute Abend schauen wir noch einen Disney Film und genießen unser zusammen sein (und die Süßigkeiten😉). Wir wünschen euch einen schönen Abend und Stay Strong! 💪💕
Ce midi le #lunch
était :un bol de nouille en mode ramen avec des légumes et des morceaux de dinde et en #dessert
des macaron(j'ai pris un a la pistache et une boucher de chacun des autres!) et en #afternoonsnack
de Ben&Jerry super bonne j'ai mis un peu de chantilly dessus et c'était très bon! Ce soir ma soeur et moi allons ai cinéma,j'ai vraiment hâte je me dit que ce serai bien et j'en ai très envie,cette après midi j'étais très mal j'ai beaucoup pleurer car ana me fait vraiment chier et il y a un problème pour décider de la vie de mon chat,c'est une histoire assez compliqué mais je me suis jeté sur ma glace pour : faire chier a ana parce-que j'en avait envie et pour noyé mon chagrin. J'espère que le reste de la journée sera bien en tout cas je vais tout faire pour et ne pas laisser ana me faire chier et gâcher ma journée ! Bonne après midi🤗😚💪 Bonjour,pour bien commencer le week-end on va passer un bon samedi,commençons avec le #breakfast
: 2 morceaux de pain perdu au nutella banane,de la pomme,du lait d'amande et des céréales,des oeufs brouiller à la cannelle et à la banane et un verre de jus d'orange. Ce matin je me sentais pas très bien mais la ça va je me sent mieux et je vais tout faire pour passer une bonne journée et suivre mais envie,écouter bob et pas ana car elle me fait me sentir encore plus mal ces temps si que se sois mentalement ou physiquement mais ma journée sera merveilleuse je vais tout faire pour qu'elle le soit et ne pas penser ni écouter ana mais c'est si compliqué espérons que j'y arriverai. Bonne matinée !🤗💪😚 #anorexianerviosa #anorexiarecovery #eatittobeatit #eatingdisorderrecovery #fightinganxiety #fightinganorexia #neverstopfighting #behappy #famille #loveyourself #liveyourlife #fuckanorexia #extremehunger
R E S T I N G 🌜
It’s okay if all you did today is breathe.
I personally tend to feel extra GUILTY ☝🏼 when I have a rest day. Whether thats taking a day off from the gym or a mental health day off work. You must rest to regroup, and that is okay. We are not perfect. We are humans.
Today's lunch, 4 vegetarian meatballs, some beanpasta and veggies.
Really struggling to get all my meals in since they've increased so much the last week.
Update from my doctors appointment, I've lost weight and my values didn't get any better so they are increasing my meals even more now. Feels very hard, I can barely go for walks anymore and the gym is unspeakable. I don't see myself as sick, I know I am but I can't see it. To me, I look obese, I know I'm not, but when I think of myself I have a hard time to accept that I am sick since I'm not "skinny enough". What is really skinny enough then? I'm not overweight, I am not even a healthy weight anymore, but I still see myself as if I were obese. I keep thinking, if I had just waited a few more months until I asked for help, then I'd be worthy. Then I'd be sick enough for them to really care. I'm still waiting for ed treatment, and my brain keeps telling me that they prioritize other over me since I'm not skinny enough. I know that it's not true but it echoes in my head all the time.
Two Rice Cakes with peanut butter and a chopped banana
Such a simple and plain breakfast but a rather delicious one🤤
Had a hard think last night about how I need to change and become even stronger if I want to stay out of hospital🥺 Brand new day which means a fresh start,going to fight against ana today and no matter how much the voice screams at me I’m going to stick to my meal plan and manage all meals including snacks and show ana that I’m not scared anymore!
#breakfast #anorexianervosarecovery #anorexiafighter #anorexiasucks #fuckanorexia #eatingdisorderrecovery
Just popping in (PTW) - things are rough mentally boys. I thought I’d have a better handle on things but my Ed has been SCREAMING since my trip. Every fucking morning it’s like well do I fuck up eds plans to fast and eat something or should I go as long as absolutely possible without eating but then feel like ass all day and eat more at night to make up for it anyways?! 🙃 .
This is one of those really not-fun times in recovery where I have no motivation, no goals to shoot for bc I feel I can’t achieve them anyways, and a cloud of depression that comes and goes and follows my entire life around. .
I should be happy. I should be motivated. I should be grateful I have 2 jobs that will allow me to travel in a few weeks. If I just got off my goddamn ass and ate like I know I should id be in a better spot and I wouldn’t look the way I do and I’d look like ME again. I should feel better and I don’t have a ‘reason’ to be so sad. But here we are bc this shit makes no logical sense so 🤷🏼♀️ .
It is literal agony to wake up every fucking morning and fail at eds rules bc I decided to eat something. And then it’s even worse to go to bed failing YET AGAIN because I ate over what I told myself I would and now I’ve failed at recovery too. I’m so so so tired. I want someone to just tell me it’s all gonna be ok and I’m sorry for the fact that this post sounds whiny af. I’m just so tired of the screaming in my head all the time. 😪
Bonsoir l' #afternoonsnack
de l'après-midi était :une joli fleur dans son peau en chocolat,le problème c'est qu'il n'y avait rien à l'intérieur et on a pas pu le terminé la soeur et moi car sa faisait un peu beaucoup de chocolat ! Avec un bol de lait d'amande, le #dinner
était :de la purée de pomme de terre avec de la cuisse de dinde et quelques petit légumes, en #dessert
:une semoule au lait de Nestlé. Aujourd'hui était une journée très bizarre plus dans l'après-midi,j'ai été vraiment mal car j'ai trop de chose qui me reste sur le coeur et que je n'arrive pas à expliquer,sa m'énerve tellement je n'arrive pas a m'exprimer pour dire mes sentiments et sa c'est un gros problème sue je n'arrive pas à régler, j'ai beaucoup pleurer à cause de toute ces choses qui me tracasse depuis ces dernier temps et ana,encore cette chienne qui n'arrête pas et qui n'arrête jamais de me faire du mal,elle m'a fait toute la journée me sentir tellement énorme et grasse et horrible mais ma soeur est et sera toujours la pour me consoler je l'aime tellement,j'aime tellement ma famille sans eu je ne serai rien,ma mère mon père ma soeur mon frère mon chat et celui de ma soeur (mon fils et ma nièce🙃)c'est eu ma famille et je les aime plus que tout au monde. Vers la fin de la soirée j'ai eu une bonne nouvelle qui ma fait me redresser pour continuer à avancer et heureusement ! Je vous souhaite une bonne nuit et à demain vite pour une nouvelle journée.😚💪🤗😴❤ #anorexianerviosa #anorexiarecovery #anorexiafighter #eatittobeatit #eatingisthehardestpart #eat #eatingdisorderrecovery #recovery #fightinganxiety #fightinganorexia #neverstopfighting #behappy #food #loveyourself #loveyourfamily #famille #liveyourlife #fuckanorexia #anawarrior #edfamiliy #extremehunger #goodnight
so for the past couple of days I’ve been doing minnie maud & today’s been kinda hard bc i got weighed. after seeing the number i don’t even know if i wanna continue recovery :( im trying to just distract myself and keep enjoying food (like cookies!) regardless of the number i saw. plus my mom told me she’s really proud of me and that my face looks brighter/happier, so I’m just trying to stay positive and not relapse again :(
Blueberry muffin 🧁 ❁Oml this is my biggest fear ever I haven’t had this in about 2 years and it is terrifying. My mum bought it for me and it’s terrifying, there was a panic before but I did it and am quite proud. It’s never as bad as it seems ❋ ‘recovery is hard but it’s much much better than dying from anorexia” #anxiety #edrecovery #anorexianervosarecovery #fuckanorexia #anorexiasurvivor
I LOVE MY BODY!!! Ok.. to be honest, that's a lie. Some days I feel mentally down and struggle with my body image.. but there are also other days.. good days!! and these days remind that everything is possible. It's possible to overcome fears, it's possible to be happy and the most important thing: It's possible to ignore the unrealistic beauty standards of today's society!! In my opinion, we're all beautiful because everyone of us is unique! The problem is that our world is full of sad people and I really wish I could help them. I wish that I could show them that there is a way to get out of anxiety and pain. I wish that I would have the possibility to change something in our world. Sorry, just some thoughts that I had today and I thought that it would be time to post something!! I love you 💖
Marie🌼🌻 #alternativefashion #gingerhair #alternativestyle #scenegirl #scenefashion #altsceneft #jfashion #fuckanorexia #recovery #alternativexfashion #alternativegirl #alternative
this was a challenging one!! another #fearfood
hey my lovelies. my dinner tonight is was chicken with veggies and one of my biggest #fearfoods
chips. it was difficult, really difficult!! i couldn’t finish them because i started to feel really uncomfortable but i ate the majority of them!! i’m so fucking proud but feel so guilty...
so today was interesting. i had my camhs appointment and got my meal plan written and on paper. i wanna do a separate post i think updating about the meal plan, but it made things really difficult tbh today. i couldn’t decide what to eat for dinner. PTW: so my dad had to practically force me to eat and chose my meal for me. i still haven’t told them i only ate half my breakfast and didn’t have my pm snack... i’m so scared but i want to get better... i need to!! END OF TW. so now i’m watching some @rebeccajleung
and am going to have a nice long shower to destress, cause i’m going shopping and thrifting tomorrowww fuck yeah i can’t wait!!
this tasted good!! i let the chips go cold accidentally whoops but i still feel guilty, but i ate as much as i could and took another step towards KICKING ANA’S BUTT! fear food: chips? ✅✅✅
#fuckana #anorexiarecovery #kickanasbutt #fuckanorexia #anorexiarecovering #anorexiarecoverymeal #didit #ididthat #healthyfood #whatieatinaday #anorexia #recovery #beatingana #fightingana #ed #edrecovery #fdoe #eatittobeatit #ana #dinner #chips
School used to be a place i hated
I was terrified to just go there and be around other people
Exams would be something I was stressing out so bad , that I near to passed out every time we had to write one
I had a hard time figuring out who I was ( because of my Bpd , it is still really hard for me to be just "Myself")
I changed my style , personality,look,hair etc. So often that most people found it really complicated to be with /around me because they didn't know what / who I was
I missed over a year of school because I was in hospitals and psychiatry's
While I was gone , so many rumors were out there over me , why I wasn't in school and why I wasn't online anymore .
People thought I would be dead , that I just didn't wanted to go to school , that i went to Spain and just stayed there , that I tried to kill myself and so many more things
It was really hard to explain why I was gone for so long , everyone asked me rude and disrespectful questions about how I tried to kill myself or how underweight i was etc
But now I am here
I went through all this and now everything is really different
I have some friends now
I'm not alone and there are not so many rumors about me out there
I'm a lot stronger and can deal with most hate / trigger comments
I have a better relationship with my class and people actually see me as a person and not as a weird psychopath
It's a process and took me a long time , some tears and a bunch of fears BUT I did it !!
My fear of school got a lot less , I'm not freaking out over exams that much , I'm not hiding myself and I'm definitely stronger
It's all a process , you have to keep going , keep practicing what you want to change /want to learn and one day you will be able to do it !!
( And yes those pictures were taken in school today ahaha #nofilter
Stay strong everyone and please remember that you are loved and we need you in this world ❤️