There is this hierarchy no one talks about. It is the hierarchy of wrath. Where the senior shouts at the junior, and me, an intern, being the junior most, pays the heaviest price.
I was pretty excited to be a doc, you know. The first thing I thought when I chose this profession was, that I'd be treated with respect.
But you know, dear diary, no one talks about this. No one talks about the hierarchy. I am spared not even by the staff, the clerks the helpers.
The hierarchy they always taught me about was the hierarchy of profession. All of us, have our part to play. Medicine, is teamwork. It's like a delicate castle of cards, take one out, and everything falls apart.
But now, when I visualise this new hierarchy, I am scared. I don't want to do residency, because I am scared. Internship is inescapable. But residency scares me. No, not the stress of studies, nor the stress of work. But the stress of being humiliated in front of and by the people who are supposed to support us, and those who are supposed to be treated by us.
No, I can't learn if you keep shouting above my head. I bury down my soul into my shell, just like a tortoise. My hands shiver while taking a venous sample, because I know I am in trouble if I mess it up. When you teach, teach with patience. No wonder I feel my father is the best teacher. Atleast I know he will never humiliate me. Instead correct me everytime I make a mistake.
Humiliation leads to inferiority. Inferiority leads to self esteem issues. Self esteem issues lead to depression. Depression leads to flight from work. The work I was dying to do 5 years ago when I joined the medical school.
Now, I am dying to quit. © Gursimar Kaur
Artwork by: @christna_varna