I've been angry with myself and God lately. I am angry with myself because I've allowed my closest friends fear, depression, & emotion to cause me to waste another year. 😡😢 I've been angry with God because... well, I honestly don't know... Perhaps I expected Him to rescue me from having to do the hard work... 😩😔
Just the other day, I found myself shouting at Him in prayer. I typically suppress my anger (which is never a good thing) and on this particular day, I found myself shouting through tears... and traffic.
Entitlement stood at full attention in me and I blurted out something along the lines of, "I don't understand why You've allowed my life to be this way. I GIVE!" Those last two words plummeted out of my mouth and danced their way onto my dashboard where I got a GOOD look at the pride that's gone undetected in my heart. Did I REALLY think that my little coins offered up to the One Who owns it all was ALL that He'd require of me for a "perfect" life?? 🥴
Almost instantly, in great contrast to my burning anger and fiery tone, He spoke with a cool assurance that melted my heart— "I don't care him much you give if you haven't given Me your heart."
😳😳 Many of us are working for & giving to God and His church out of religious service. We worry so much about doing everything right but neglect the most important thing. We have neglected to have a Mary heart in a Martha world—a heart that longs for, chases after, & chooses to focus on Jesus when the cares of the church and the world scream at us for undivided attention.
The giving... the service... they don't mean anything if they don't flow from healthy relationship, transparency, & vulnerability. That goes for human and holy relationships, but that's another post for another day.
Go talk to God, especially if you haven't done so in a while. He's waiting to take good care of your heart, but it's up to you to let Him. Don't keep Him waiting too long... 😉