This is the face of mental illness. For those of you who don't know me, I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder. Do your research if you'd like but it essentially makes the sufferer 10x more susceptible to being a little bitch. (Super emotional, kinda sensitive). Many of us who struggle with BPD struggle with self harm as well. I know I personally do. Its not fun. Its not cool and it sure as shit isn't pretty. For those of you ignorant cunts out there that still believe people who self harm are looking for something some type of personal gain, you're fucking right. But it isnt attention we're looking for. Its a release. A motherfucking awful, destructive and temporary one, found in cutting or burning or scratching your fucking eyes out. For those few milliseconds, before you come to and realize that what youve done is horrible, that your 4 year old daughter shouldnt have to see blood and scars all over her mom, you feel the closest to ok that you have in a while. You feel like youre in control. My point is to shed some light on mental health, man. You see that smile in my photo? I took that moments before I ruined my makeup. And girl, I looked good. Thats a real smile. But underneath that smile is just a little girl who is fucking lost and broken and sick and tired of being lost and broken.
Check in on your loved ones, man. It sucks to feel alone in this shit. #mentalhealthawareness #selfharmawareness #borderlinepersonalitydisorder
I feel like a fraud. I am physically ill but so what?! There are a shit tonne of people who are sick but still work, go to school, buy houses and vehicles, travel, take care of their families. If you don't feel well, if you're in pain or exhausted, nauseous, have cancer, etc, take a pill, have an operation so tbat you can go back to work. Life is suffering. Live to work. This is the world we have and I don't agree with it. I don't fit in. Maybe the chemical imbalance in my brain, my criss crossed neural pathways from past traumas and my physical health just is. Who is to judge that my thoughts and feelings are incorrect, "irrational"? What gives anyone the right to deem someone not able to make the choice of whether or not they belong here? What gives anyone the right to kidnap, lock someone up and force them to take drugs if they whole heartedly do not want that? We send people to jail for this shit but when someone wants to make life or death decisions about themselves, suddenly the doctors and politicians have all the power?! This is fucked up! Not wanting someone you love to die is normal. It's also purely selfish. We don't want our loved ones to die because we love them, we love their company, we love what they can do for us. But are we thinking of how they feel? I love my daughters so much. But I regret having them because I see how they suffer. I'm not exactly sure why I got pregnant but I am certain that it was for purely selfish reasons. When I was on antidepressants, mood stabilizers & antipsychotics I wasn't so sad but my thoughts on life and death were still there. I've always told my girls that they truly are the reasons I'm alive. I'm here because I know that if I died now, my daughters, my boyfriend & my mother would be heartbroken. They would be so sad for who knows how long. But how are they now? What life is it for them with me here? Or even without me? I am just another difficult responsibility in an already fucked world. The burden of me being sick, needing help with sometimes incredibly simple things that we take for granted being able to do. Me crying and being sad. Them worrying about me, being frustrated with having to help me.
TW: skin picking. ✨✨
Today was horrible to begin with, it was insanely stressful and triggering which led to suicidal thoughts and skin picking (dermatillomania)
This is something I’ve always done and never spoken about because I always felt weird that I did it, there’s so many ways you can do this and not even realise til you see the blood under your fingernails.
I’ve always picked my scalp and pulled at my hair, I still pick my scalp a fair bit but I’ve managed to stop pulling on my hair so much.
Another thing I’ve always done that ties in with skin picking is biting the insides of my lips and mouth to the point I can’t eat because I’ve caused my mouth to be so sore.
Today I picked at my face whilst having an appointment with my key worker about pip, I didn’t realise I was doing this til after my appointment and I felt so ashamed.
I picked my face and my scalp and now I have a huge scab on the back of my scalp and sore patches on my face.
Mental illness is tricky and complex!
Having to constantly prove to people that you are mentally and physically ill/disabled is exhausting, I sometimes wonder if there’s any point in fighting.
This whole things is really triggering, I’m sick of having to stand up and shout to be heard, I can’t take it and neither can my body.
I wonder if the dwp and the government are happy? this benefit system was initially set up to help people but now it’s only making us worse.
We’re sick, we’re tired, we’re grasping for pittance.
I’m sorry this post isn’t positive or cheerful but I’m angry. The report from the assessor full of lies, it hurts to know that some guy who is not medically trained who sits in an office has the decision on wether I get help or not.
This world is horrible and I’m sick of it, I’m sick of the lack of compassion and understanding.
Im sick, can you see me? ✨
[image description: close up of Danika’s face showing red sore patches where she has picked her skin]
#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #recovery #mentalillness #selfforgiveness #dermatillomania #skinpicking #ptsd #cptsd #pip #dwp #mentalillness #selfharm #relapse #bpdrecovery #bpdaware
When I was formulating the thoughts for my blog I knew I wanted to have #westminsterwednesdays
. London @escoffier_diploma @westkinglondon
have been an integral part of this journey for me. It was here that my doctor recommended that I “come out”. Her thinking was that it was a fresh start and in a metropolis such as #London
no one would care. So I did. On the first day I stood up hesitantly and when asked about myself I told the room my name, a little about my lovely home #Barbados
and that I was #bipolar
. And nobody batted an eyelash at me. My wonderful chefs Ian Sutton and @mirandagodfreyfood
took me to so many wonderful places, introduced me to amazing new foods and cultures and taught me how to make confections I never dreamed I’d understand the concepts of. My classmates kept me strong, made sure I’d taken my meds, had something to eat, woke up for class, and Amanda? Well.. She was my back,thigh and rib bones. Today would have been the Saturday before school started. I was out with my mum, shopping and laughing away my nervousness, pretending I was ok but doubting if I was ready for this new adventure.. well although I don’t utilize my culinary skills like I should I learned much more than how to bake at Westminster.. I learned skills for life. I learned not to be ashamed of myself and to use it as a super power. I haven’t decided if I’ll do a summary of each week every Wednesday or post a memory but I do know in the weeks to come I want to start back baking from my school recipes as a way to pick back up on my love of baking and as a homage to my home in London. If you are ready for an adventure in learning where you can make a new family, where you can use what you already have inside of you to make yourself better.. then see if @westkinglondon
is for you. #breakthestigma #breakingthestigma #roadtorecovery #raiseawareness #raisingawareness #bipolarinbarbados #borderlineinbarbados #bipolardisorder #bipolar #depression #anxiety #bpd #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #mentalillness #menthalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #lifestlyeblog #lifestyleblogger #plussize #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #blog #withlovefromshannah