Cried over having a small portion of pasta and tomato sauce for lunch and really struggled,
And then went to my boyfriends for dinner which was this udon noodle soup 🍜
Finished it ALL but then got hit by a wave of anxiety about how many calories could have been in it because I didn’t know so I went to the loo to try and purge it
but my Chris (my bf) came up and realised what I was about to do even tho I said I only needed a wee but he insisted on staying in the bathroom with me so I ended up just talking to him and keep it down.... I guess that’s an achievement but feeling kinda shit about how much I ate and the unknown calories and how oily it looked 😣😣☹️
It’s a fight every single day and I lose about a third of those fights... The last month I went through so many emotions and feelings, some I never had in years. My depression is still super bad and I have so many suicidal thoughts but here I can be super open about it. I have developed disfunctional behaviors again and it’s hard to fight against all the self hatred that I have against me and my stupid body after I’ve been told that I am loosing weight rapidly I am now I thought that I am gaining super fast... so after the doctor here told me that it’s great cause they have no reason to kick me out I was in shock and talked to my therapist. Now I know my weight and my BMI and that I am in the lowest normal weight range which I hate but I know that I am super muscular -> still a bit too skinny but it’s hard to deal with. Yesterday I had a cake exposition with my therapist and it was wonderful and we had just a super nice conversation for two hours and it was like talking to a good friend instead of my therapist. Anyway the time we arrived she told me that her mum is very ill and she might have to take two months off work (only if it’s really cancer) She’ll know it by Monday and I am devastated but also hoping the best for her mother cause my therapist is the best person ever. Anyway if I need to change (like in my last inpatient therapy) I would start all over again and after she’s back I definitely wanna go back to her. Yeah fucking scared but first I am looking forward to see my parents today ☺️ Hopefully you’re all doing better and if you want to tell me your plans for the weekend ❤️ #bulimiarecovery #recovery #recoveryanorexia #magersucht #magersuchtrecovery #darkness #depressions #depressiv #inpatient #inpatienttreatment #inpatientrecovery #bulimie #bulimicgirl #anorexiabpsubtype #bingepurge #purgefree
(35 days!!!!) #ptbs #therapy #borderlinepersönlichkeitsstörung #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #hatemybody #bodydismorphia #körperschemastörung
Having this really unappetising looking Shepard’s pie for dinner... 🥧
Restricted loads all day and walked to school and back to try and make up for a binge I had last night on cereal and biscuits... 😬 😑
Got a call from the Maudsley again today and they’ve booked my first appointment for the 4th in ten days... My minds going mental cos I just wanna loose a fuck ton before them to prove to the im acc Ill and to make my body ill so it « matches » my head in a way ?? Kinda scared about the appointment but I’ll watch a film or smt to calm down this evening 🎥 xxx
Various icecream pints I’ve had over the past few months. I’ve had more but these are just the ones I took pics of.
1 - Ben and Jerry’s the tonight dough
2 - Ben and Jerry’s pumpkin cheesecake
3 - Magnum white choc vanilla
4 - Ben and Jerry’s one love
5 - Haagen Dazs dulce de leche
6 - Ben and Jerry’s cinnamon bun
7 - Magnum dark choc raspberry
8 - Ben and Jerry’s pumpkin cheese cake again
9 - Blue Bunny sundaes (cookie dough and bunny tracks)
#icecream #food #junkfood #bulimia #eatingdisorder #triggerwarning #ed #mentalillness #bingepurge #bluebunny #benandjerrys
Y’all. I could cry. 😭 I have a little mini story for you that’s worth reading. A little less than a week ago, I reached out to the team over at @perfectketones
for two reasons. First, I wanted to let them know how thankful I am for how careful and intentional they are when creating their products. Also - their marketing and branding don’t manipulate you to feel terrible about yourself, driving you to buy their product so you can “fix” you. I just really freaking appreciate them. Secondly, I wanted to see if they were interested in letting me try their new bars (because the almond butter brownie one is THA. BOMB.) Not only did I end up getting through to the CEO himself, he loved my story, shared incredibly kind words of encouragement, and asked if I would join their team. I was blown away. I must have read his email to Jonas 5 different times the day I got it. So obviously I said YES. I am so thrilled to be able to give y’all (and myself hay) a discount on Perfect Keto products! The discount code is linked in my bio, and if you have ANY questions, please don’t hesitate to ask me! I would love to help you out!! 👊🏻 This all brings me to my last point (and the reason I reached out to PK in the first place) was because I’m going to be starting to create videos where I test my glucose levels and different product’s effects on my blood sugar levels. I’m really excited to start making these videos because I genuinely want the information for myself and I figure it might help others out along the way!
Eeek, our registrations for Food Freedom Formula Program close tomorrow.
I am so so excited to have already welcomed amazing humans who have had enough of keeping themselves stuck knowing what to do, knowing how be healthy, knowing that what they do is affecting sanity, their mental and physical well-being and yet - just not be able get out of that rut.
But the best thing is, they are brave and ready to choose freedom. Freedom to enjoy life without letting food, their body and even their weight define their worth.
I truly believe a lot of the time the reason we keep stuck in diet roller coaster is because we choose to repeat our old habits, keep coming back to old coping mechanisms, trying to find a magic diet that fixes us, staying in our old beliefs that sabotage our behaviours and choices and yet, expect miracles to happen. That doesn't work.
In case you have considered to join the program but think maybe next time, I wanted to let you know that this program will become a self study program, which means private coaching with me won't be part of it. This is a unique opportunity to get all the live videos with me directly speaking to you, answering questions, get my daily support and your personal 1:1 coaching with me.
Seriously, and only $50 per week. This can't get any better. Link in bio .
#bingeeatingrecovery #bingeeatingdisorder #bedrecovery #bedsupport #bingeeatingdisorder #bedrecovery #bedsupport #bingeandpurge #bingeeatingrecoverycoach #foodfreedom #yoyodieting #orthorexia #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #edsupport #edcoach #bingepurge
🎧 👂🏻 Sound on! I wrote a song for anyone who feels like they’re a million miles behind everyone else. I’m tired of waking up and wishing I was someone else, or didn’t hurt the way I do. The truth is that what I carry with me (the good AND the bad) makes me exactly who I am. I don’t love that trauma causes me to be compassionate, or that mental illness gives me more empathy than those who’ve never struggled. I wish there were any other way to have these qualities. But for me, this is how God somehow decided I’d be who I am. And for that I’m very grateful (regardless of my inability to understand.) This is just a snippet of the entire thing. You can find the link to the entire song in my bio. ♥️
Dinner tonight was this ^^ 🍝
Feel fucking shit. Ed is hourendous rn.
Just wanna rip the fat off my body. Just wanna reach a low enough bmi and be hospitalised.
can’t even cry cos I feel numb maybe cos of meds?? Hate food.
Hate the fact I like food.
Hate the fact I just wanna binge and can’t even be a proper anorexic with a really underweight bmi and that has enough self control to restrict constantly.
When I restrict I binge and then I restrict to compensate. Even when I increase.
I want recovery, but I don’t feel like I need to recover from anything coz this problem is in my head COS IM NOT FUCKING LOOSING WEIGHT COS I KEEP FUCKING BINGEING. .... rant over .... 🙊
Last night I came home and had an entire packet of granola and then loads of biscuits 🍪 and a snickers bar and arghhhhh BASICALLY had a fat binGe. 😬
Today still had breakfast tho, and ended up walking to school cos I felt super guilty, BUT still went to school lunch for the second day in a row... and struggled cos it was Mac n cheese 🧀 which I couldn’t finish...🤷♀️ This spaghetti carbonara 🍝 was my din dins and it was pretty yum! I feel good having stuck to my three meals again today ... even with yesterday’s slip up 🙊
Keepin it real with y’all...this meal was not nearly as good as I hoped it would be. Let’s preface this whole post with thanking Jesus I have food on my table and am able body to eat and digest said food. Thank you thank you Jesus. 🙌🏻 B u u u u u t t t...I bought a grass fed + grass finished NY strip steak to treat myself, and I ate some of my pre-prepped bacon brussel sprouts. I WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT THE STEAK. The steak was really...grainy? Idk if it wasn’t fresh? It was such a let down. I’ve had grass fed + grass finished before before and it was a dream. But this was not good at all. And the Brussels were so mushy. And why did I add so much cheese! Holy cheese! 😭 All y’all doing OMAD, you know my disappointment. Hahaha.
Might need to turn your volume up more than normal to hear me here.
I wanted to be sure to explain the distinction I made between anorexia nervosa as an "EATING disorder" and bulimia nervosa/BED as "MENTAL disorders."
The difference boils down to a bottom-up vs. top-down pathophysiology. And the distinction is much more than semantic, as it greatly influences which models of care work best and what the disorder's specific prognosis will look like.
This is why therapeutic models, like CBT/DBT/ACT, work so well for those with BN or BED, whereas they are not an effective PRIMARY treatment for those with AN (who are not even candidates for therapy until they have been properly refed, hence my interest in rapid refeed protocols).
Hope this helps!
#eatingdisorder #biology #therapy #youareenough #disorderedeating #100doff #foodfreedom #binging #bingepurge #ednos #nighteating #bedrecovery
First day back at school after half term.... and because of my enormous binges during that whole week I woke up this morning and felt the urge to restrict so I cut off the crust from my toast which is so stupid.
Then I had another challenge cos for the first time ever I had school lunch from the canteen which was STRESSFUL. The noise, the people, so much food, so many ppl watching, genuinely felt so shit, but got through it and ate my whole plate of pasta and tomato sauce... Then my dad asked if I’d had dinner and I said yes even tho I hadn’t so I sorted myself out, slapped ed in the face and bought this packet of granola which I’ve nearly finished in one sitting.
Would usually feel so so guilty but because my friend said I looked like I’d lost today at school even after my binge week last week I’m kinda happy and excited in a bad way 😅😐
👀 LOOK WHAT'S COMING.... 👀
Weight isn’t the problem, habitual thinking is. .
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I'm so angry at myself!
Just went through a b/p session.
I managed to have only fruit and veg for the whole day and spent three hours walking.
Now I was craving some carbs and wanted to have a portion serving of no sugar bisquits.
I ate the whole package plus three toasties with corned beef, cheese and lots of honey besides a cup of full fat chocolat milk...
Got the whole thing out of my stomach, I guess.
But I hate myself now.
Had not been purging for six days and my metabolismn was working properly again...😕 #anorexia #relapse #bingepurge #bulimia #hate #regret #worthless #piece #of #shit
Remind me to never use this much zucchini in an egg scramble again. Unless what I’m going for is egg scramble soup. Then I would definitely use this much zucchini in my egg scramble. 😂
Day 1 of sticking to my three meals a day rule, no more (to avoid binges) and no less (to avoid restriction). So far so good!! Had two of my three meals and was going to skip dinner but this bitch is gonna have half that pizza she had planned to 😁
Lunch was inspired by @lottiesrrecovery
and was the first ever non vegan meal I’ve had in Wagamama... was acc really yummy 😋 😋 🦐
I have resisted my binge AND restriction urges today so yea kinda proud ngl :)))
matcha sweet foam americano, honestly felt the anxiety kick in when I saw that she was making it with full cream milk but I chose to ignore it!!!! so there the drink was just average, way below my expectations but it’s okay, means I can drink my tea in peace and save $$$$$ :-)))))) Not wanting to post depressing stuff but i purged after a mini binge session but it’s okay just wanted to share a recovery win after that devastating news: didn’t feel guilty for not gg to exercise today and am thankful for it having rained bc that took some of the guilt away hehehehehhe ;-)))))) so yeps!!! trying my best to push away the food related thoughts tonight and not not not binge bc I really don’t want to purge anymore and have a good night y’all 🥳🥳🥳🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻㊗️🤩🥰 #bulimiarecovery #bulimia #eatittobeatit #eatingdisorderssuck #eatingdisorderrecovery #fuckana #edwarrior #edfighter #anorexiafighter #fuckanorexia #fuckbulimia #bingepurge
Ended up bingeing again today. Swear I’ve just spent all week bingeing, but that’s okay.
Starting tomorrow, I will stick to having three set meals a day. No more to avoid binges and no less to avoid restriction.
I. Can. Do. This.
Binged for breakfast now I feel sick lol✌✌✌✌ (it was oatmeal & chocolate protein shake DISGUSTING) #bingepurge #binge #selfhate
Also I just realised these are all thoughts, not feelings, now I feel stupid lol. Well bpd makes it hard to see the difference between body, feelings, thoughts and actions. They are all one big messy knot lol, even after therapy.
Say hello to my ugly looking breakfast.
I am absolutely not in the mood of having breakfast because I know that I have to eat it. I'm trying to get out of the b/p cycle and I'm doing great cause I did not purge since monday.
But that's why I did not post anything since then because I feel like a failure for eating and it embarasses me to show that to you.
At least I maintained and still am at 97 pounds. But I somehow want to lose. You a bit less.... Maybe 95....? #anorexia #recovery #relapse #bingepurge #foodisfuel #breakfast #guilt
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. 🤤