With clumsy unfamiliarity, I have moved into a daily practice of being vulnerable. The last two years have brought heavy change and heartache, but also growth, strength, and a renewed sense of forward movement. I finally emerged from my half-in, half-out of the closet existence as a nonbinary trans individual. I left a romantic partnership with my dearest friend, a partnership that kept us both trapped in stagnancy. Together we said goodbye to a life we created. We lost a mother. My body was taken unwillingly by those I loved and trusted. I began the process of healing from vast landscapes of childhood trauma with an incredible and supportive therapist. I have forged powerful, irreplaceable friendships. I rediscovered the peace found in offering my body the gift of a regular yoga practice. I began painting again. I rekindled my sensuous love affair with the piano. I have finally allowed myself to look hard at the destructive and punishing relationship I had kept with my body. I am learning daily how to lay down my armor and my weapons and truly allow myself to find joy in needing love, and receiving love. I have stopped responding to body dysmorphia with anger, with anorexia, with unhealthy levels of exercise. I have stopped numbing myself with alcohol. My vulnerability is becoming my strength. Within it I feel everything, and allow myself the delicious feeling of support from those around me. I love deeper than ever. Everything is beautiful, because at times, everything hurts.
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