same mountain 365 days later. “After the Goldrush” blog pt 2. I tell myself “this loss & lostness is temporary. I have learned this from the times I’ve lost my way before.” Still I wanted to give up. Not so unlike where I feel my life has now brought me to, today. Back into America w/ a book I am proud of, but brought me to a near penniless state & no direction nearer to where I want to build a home.
It’s like we’re always on the cusp of knowing, like that point in your day drinking a coffee & laughing with your best friend, or on that cerebral scatterfying acid trip when you figured out the universe, or close to vital orgasmic climaxing- the constant verge of almost knowing. Then all flows ephemeral again. Wisps of genius coursing back into the void. The curse of peering into secret ethers is forgetting it all. Truths we weren’t supposed to learn.
The winds picked up and they began swaying together in a primal dance. A pattern choreographed by ancient unconscious evolution. The years that have brought these trees, this breeze, this wind-blown self to now.
The path out of the forest was muddled. The signs had fallen into disrepair and disuse. They were eroded by the sheer artifact of time. A path alone- I got what I wanted. Perhaps this was part of the path or a brief panacea. A way to come to peace with a path that seems so unsure & unguided. I sat still, ate a sandwich & reassessed.
“At least I have food and water, an emergency poncho, a hatchet, flashlight, journal, iPhone, a joint.” My own bewitching self-determined survival guide.
We must lean into feelings that align & contribute to our desires. The #1
chance of survival in the wilderness is your mindset. If you let yourself get tangled in the fear your chances of making it out plummet to 50%.
There were lessons in the losing of my way. But I thought I’d already been through all that. Maybe finding yourself is never finished. I'm the last one to know these answers.
#writersofinstagram #blogger #author #gay #nature #colorado #writer #backpacking #instagood #photooftheday #canon #lost #wilderness #wanderlust #adventure #truth #hike #philosophy #igers #blog #mountain #forest #meditation #roadtrip