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I just want to drown myself in sex
until that other person comes
who will love me like I deserve.
Why does it have to be me?

Spreading eagle across the bed
is only nice for so many nights
in a row until it becomes like drifting
through outer space. Please don't
let my heart become as black
as the night sky when clouds hover
over my head. This rain cloud
doesn't always follow me.

My mom asks me if I have any happy
poems, with sunshine and a sing along.
How do I tell her without breaking
her heart, that I always feel alone.
Happiness sounds so cheap
when stacked aside lines like these.
My heart breaks for her and for me
because I know she wants to see
me smiling for the rest of my days.

It's never that easy. I am alone.
A smile through my tears and sarcasm
is all I can offer right now.
It's late and I should go to bed
but its empty and my own warmth
will have to suffice. I'm talking to you
whoever you are so you will know
the pain I was in, talking to myself
until you came along.
If I ever let down these walls please
dont make me regret it.
I dont know how many tries I have left.
I have become so many new
and different faces. Adopted masks.
I feel like I left the person I was proud of
in the dust many years ago.
Still wondering who I am
while doing things I used to do.
Drowned in the odour of honeysuckle...
my breath keeps me alive.

What to do when the guide is lost?
Can't find North. The stars are obscured.
The only thing that leads me
in my pants. I have many miles to go
before I sleep. But I'm so tired.
Maybe I'll try this again when I wake up.

3 months ago 14

51 Likes

14 Comments

  • ryofwands
    @readme.feelme.poetry ❤️🙏❤️ - 3 months ago
  • readme.feelme.poetry
    Same 💔 - 3 months ago
  • ryofwands
    @poetry.matters Thank you so much! I appreciate the love you send!❤️❤️❤️ - 3 months ago
  • poetry.matters
    I know this feeling. You are not alone. Sending love dear Ry! 🖤 - 3 months ago
  • ryofwands
    @letssaveourtrees I appreciate the thoroughness of your reply very much. I dont know what else to say because I feel like I do love myself...much more than I love most other people which sounds cold but it's also the truth. I'm not saying that I don't have regrets or that I wish I'd done things differently. I also am not very proud of myself because I expect better from myself. That being said I do appreciate myself and I know how amazing I am. I am grateful for everything in my life. And yet something is still missing. Some are saying its self love. I wish i agreed with that answer because then at least i would have one. Much love to you. ❤🙏❤ - 3 months ago
  • letssaveourtrees
    This breaks my heart😥😢 The feeling is so real and so unsettling 😥
    I don’t really know you, but I think the reason why you feel more alone, like you lack all the love even though it’s sometimes present in bits and pieces, is because you lost the main guidance for your soul, which is your love for yourself. I know it’s difficult to love yourself sometime and that we often need appreciation and validation from other people to remind us that we aren’t all that bad in the end, but just think of all those times you thought the same thing about somebody else, felt the same way for another person, wished they would just see how amazing they are... We all can feel alone sometimes, and I guess that’s okay... but don’t let the feeling define you and take your love for you away from you, because it’s still somewhere in there, trust me. I hope you find your way back to you.❤️
    And I’m sorry that this comment is a bit long... - 3 months ago
  • yung_gawd187
    @ryofwands all love brotha ❤❤❤ - 3 months ago
  • ryofwands
    @yung_gawd187 Yes you have reminded me of what I have known for a while but all the same I appreciate the reminder. This was written in a more low vibrational mindset but the truth of the expression I think comes through. ❤️❤️❤️ - 3 months ago
  • yung_gawd187
    You cant wake up to love. Know yourself. You have to love yourself. before you can love someone else. And that's love at its purist from - 3 months ago
  • yung_gawd187
    Learn from the mistakes and grow as a person and you'll find the right person - 3 months ago
  • yung_gawd187
    Everything happens for a reason. Just go with the flo - 3 months ago
  • yung_gawd187
    Love is found when it's meant to be found. But dont get twisted by fake people. You'll know when it's real. It's not easy. You'll find it when you least expect it. Love you rye - 3 months ago
  • ryofwands
    @smokahontess ily2❤️❤️ - 3 months ago
  • smokahontess
    Ily💕 - 3 months ago